untitled

Tuesday was the third anniversary of my cancer diagnosis, and I'm in a weird place. I feel like my head's not on straight; I'm torn between feeling celebratory and sad. Who knows where I'd be, the person I might have become if that hadn't happened. I know I wouldn't trade the friends I have for the world. Would I even know them the way I do if I hadn't gotten sick? In some ways, getting sick helped me let down my guard and break down some of my walls; I had to accept that I needed people, that I needed their help, and that it didn't make me weak or a lesser person. It also made me build other walls higher, to compensate.

But seeing that date on my calendar brought it all back. The fear, the helplessness, the uncertainty; it all came whooshing back. It took me by surprise. But mixed in there is a hushed sense of victory. At the same time that a voice in my head yells "I beat this thing!!!" my stomach flips and I feel guilty, as if it will come back with a vengeance just for thinking that.

So just between you and me... see - I can't even write it! So let's just say, "No comment!!!" :)