i’m a cancer survivor: eight years and counting

Has it already been another year? It has. I’ve been putting off writing this post because it brings up such strong emotions. I re-read past posts and the comments of my family and friends. I cry, I laugh. I think of how lucky I am to have made it this far. When I think of all I might have missed… I’m so blessed! SO FRIGGIN’ BLESSED!!! (See! I’m crying already!)

If you’re new here, you may not know that I had “the cancer“. Go off and read that to get all the gory details. I’m warning you – it’s a tearjerker, but it’s worth it. For those that don’t want to read it, I’ll sum it up here:

In September 2002, at age 29, I was diagnosed with Stage IV Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma. Specifically, I presented with Multiple Lymphomatous Polyposis, an uncommon type of primary non-Hodgkin gastrointestinal (GI) B-cell lymphoma characterized by the presence of multiple polyps along the GI tract. So uncommon that since 1961 no more than 70 well-documented cases have been published. Tests showed that the cancer was not just in my colon, it was also in a chain of lymph nodes up the center of my body, my adenoids/sinuses, and my bone marrow.

I had 4 rounds of chemo, each a month apart; each round was 3 days of chemo, 6-8 hours each day. And then I had a year and a half of maintenance immunotherapy treatments, one round every six months. It was not fun.

OK. You’re back? Now that our eyes are all puffy and red, let’s continue.

EIGHT YEARS! I can’t believe it’s been eight years! So much has happened in that time. My life has changed in unfathomably beautiful ways. I found the love of my life! We moved to San Francisco together! He proposed to me on the cliffs on a surprise Valentine’s Day trip to Hawaii! I became an Auntie! We got married, and threw a kick-ass wedding that’s going to be featured in a magazine! I’ve been to Jamaica three times (so far), once for our glorious honeymoon! I worked at Google! I’ve made friends with amazing, genius-y, crazy-talented, big-hearted people in Texas and California! I even left Google to do my own thing!

wedding toast, photo by Diana M. Lott

I think back to when I thought I was going to die, to those dark times later when I wished I had… Some of it is still startlingly vivid, and some of it is hazy. It kills me that I can’t really remember my chemo nurses names anymore. I thought I’d never forget. But I guess with time comes a little (necessary) distance from the cancer. Some days I can’t believe it was actually me who went through that. I read what I wrote about it, in the early days of the blog, or in journals, and it’s hard to remember being that strong. I didn’t feel strong. I felt weak. And betrayed. Betrayed by my body, by my very cells. And by my brain; when I think about the deep depression that I’m just now seeing the other side of, it boggles my mind. The fact is that just this week, eight years later, I’ll be completely off every single medication for depression and anxiety and insomnia that I’ve been on since I was diagnosed. I’ve been a walking pharmacy for so long, seeing psychiatrist after psychiatrist, trying combination after combination, that I didn’t even know what “normal” felt like anymore. It’s been months of following a doctor’s plan to wean slowly off of one pill at a time, but I’m down to just one-fourth of a sleeping pill this week, and after Saturday, I’ll no longer be medicated. That’s a HUGE triumph for me. HUGE!

ashley at the highball in austin, photo by Diana M. Lott

I always have a hard time emotionally around the anniversary of my diagnosis. I’ll be honest; I’m struggling a little with productivity. However, I’ve never felt better, psychologically, than I do not being on meds anymore. I’m feeling a little indecisive as to which direction to take from here, but I’m going to allow myself that wavering. I’ve been given the gift, the luxury of not knowing which direction to go. It’ll come to me, I know it. I can feel it. There was a time when I didn’t think I could take another day of this life, and now, I love my life! I LOVE this life that JR and I have built together. We look into each others eyes sometimes and just shake our heads, not believing that we’re this lucky. Yeah, you heard me; I’m lucky. I had cancer, and I KICKED CANCER’S ASS. I wouldn’t be who I am today if I hadn’t. And I can’t wait for the next eight years. And the eight after that. And the eight after that…

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