the moment of truth (almost)

This week we had a work offsite, which is where your team gets away from where you usually work, away from your desks, to do something fun. And by fun, I mean brainstorming. Or a full on day of true fun. Ours was half-and-half. We spent the morning brainstorming, and the afternoon at a fabulous cooking class in the fabulous loft of a fabulous chef. It was absolutely... terrific. (Ha! You thought I was going to say fabulous, but NO! Actually, I was, I just didn't want to give you the pleasure.)

At these offsites, it's the usual team-building/workshop stuff. You break up into teams of 3 or 4, and you get to know each other better, maybe have a problem to solve. And almost always, this is one of the activities:

"Tell the group something they don't know about you."

And inevitably, the only thing that comes to mind is, "I am a cancer survivor." That's a big thing, and they definitely don't know that about me. But that seems like a cry for attention, a huge "poor me". And I don't want that. Plus, it's not generally something you discuss at work. First, there are HR issues. Not to mention group dynamics, possible unfair treatment (perceived or real by me or others), etc. So I have to struggle to find something else interesting.

Let's see... Aha! "I ran a marathon to raise money for the American Stroke Association! Did I finish? Well, no. You see... I was in the middle of chemo when it came around so I only made it 6.something miles..." and you're back to the cancer.

I know! Hobbies!
"I do pottery. Well, I did, until um... After treatment, I was too exhausted to go ..."
"I knit. I mean, I tried knitting. I got almost done with a great bag, but I can't seem to..."
"I love photography! I'm a pretty good photographer. You can check my flickr, but I haven't..."
"I'm a blogger. I actually don't want you to read it, but I haven't updated in a while anyway..."

This post began as a post about the murky waters of discussing chronic illness with co-workers. To do or not to do. But there's a trend here. Me seeing things through; actually, the lack of such follow-through. With pottery, cancer really was the factor that kept me from continuing. I didn't have the energy. But why haven't I taken it back up? I'm really busy, but... people make time for things they love. I can't seem to do that with anything anymore. I'm not making the time for exercise, or hobbies I already started. I have such a backlog of photos that I need to upload, it's ridiculous. What's in my way? NOTHING. Or rather, something. That something is ME.

I'm still battling daily with the demons of depression, anxiety, and procrastination. There's medication for the first two (believe me I'm trying), but there's no magic pill for procrastination. And if there were, I'd never get around to calling it in. (Thanks folks! I'll be here all week!) I know I need to get a handle on my health - exercise and eating right. Mustering the energy to do that is another matter entirely.

That's all really. I have no answers. Yet. But here's to hoping I do soon.