how to beat the DMV

Thanks to my genius friend Shy, I discovered a workaround for the aforementioned bastardized government service we call the DMV. I thought I should share it with you, since it's something I never knew, and you may not either.

Join AAA. For about $70 bucks (a $20 joining fee and a measly $50-something annual fee), you can become a member of AAA. That means you can renew your registration through them. In other words: YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO TO THE DMV EVER AGAIN. Can you hear me jumping for joy through the very words on this page? Because I am.

There happens to be one of those handy dandy AAAs two or three blocks from my house, and they're open until 5:30, which means I can make it there before they close. Upon hearing that I could do it there, I jumped the earliest possible shuttle home, stopped in, joined, walked up to their "DMV Stuff" desk (no line), spoke to the (very nice & helpful) lady behind the counter, and renewed my registration. They have the stickers and everything!!! They do only take cash or check, so I found out how much it would be, ran to the ATM next door, and came back with cash. $411 in cash, mind you - thank you, SF parking cops with an overblown sense of what constitutes CITY SIDEWALK vs. MY DRIVEWAY!!! But that's a whole other story...

Let me just let it be known that I think it is pathetic that we have to resort to private businesses to do what a government service is supposed to do. I say if that's the case, shut down the DMV and privatize the whole damn thing. If there was competition in that arena, we could expect at least a modicum of service from these agencies. But there's not, so we can't.

Now children, what is the moral of this story? That's right! Fuck the DMV. Join AAA.

the california DMV

Hello there you assholes,

Not only do I have to spend two weeks working on the phone with you to prove that my insurance never lapsed which means my vehicle registration never should have been suspended, I have to go to a DMV office, in person, to renew my registration because of your fuck-up?

The fact that you didn't send me a new letter with a "Renewal Identification Number" (RIN) is not my fault. The fact that you REQUIRE it in order to renew online or by phone, and I can't call in to get it, is FUCKED UP. I have to go in and stand in line. Because you don't make same-day appointments. And you close at 5pm.

Oh wait! A shining ray of hope! You have self-service terminals?!? I did not know that. And I can renew my registration on them? Hooray! They're open 24 hours a day, everyday? I cannot believe my eyes... wait.. only the ones that start with a W are 24/7? All others are... only available during business hours? AND they require a RIN? Double-mother-fuck!!!

Let me explain to you dolts the purpose of having a SELF-SERVICE terminal. It is so I don't have to deal with you "I'd rather be sitting in my trailer with my feet up, chain-smoking cigarettes, yelling at my 12 kids under the age of 12 and 17 dogs, with a car up on blocks outside" S.O.B.s. And I want to do it when none of you are even there. SELF-SERVICE is, by it's nature, supposed to be 24/7, for the convenience of those who ACTUALLY WORK between 8am and 5pm.

But you would know nothing of convenience, or manners, or a helpful attitude, so who am I kidding.

This means that since my registration expires TODAY, I am fucked, because I'm a responsible green citizen who took the shuttle to work, so I can't get back to the city on another shuttle until 4:45.

And better yet, it means that I GET TO PAY YOU TO FUCK ME. Isn't that just peachy. "Here is an additional 10% of the outrageous fee you were going to charge me. What's that? Oh, 'Bend over...', of course. OK."

NOTE: This post is brought to you by the official "stuff that bugs me" club.