#1 image result for "lion killing zebra"

My shot of a dead lion killing a dead zebra inside Outdoor World (a veritable taxidermy bonanza!) is actually the #1 Google Image Search result for "lion killing zebra", out of 75,700 images!!!

Suck it, National Geographic!

the california DMV

Hello there you assholes,

Not only do I have to spend two weeks working on the phone with you to prove that my insurance never lapsed which means my vehicle registration never should have been suspended, I have to go to a DMV office, in person, to renew my registration because of your fuck-up?

The fact that you didn't send me a new letter with a "Renewal Identification Number" (RIN) is not my fault. The fact that you REQUIRE it in order to renew online or by phone, and I can't call in to get it, is FUCKED UP. I have to go in and stand in line. Because you don't make same-day appointments. And you close at 5pm.

Oh wait! A shining ray of hope! You have self-service terminals?!? I did not know that. And I can renew my registration on them? Hooray! They're open 24 hours a day, everyday? I cannot believe my eyes... wait.. only the ones that start with a W are 24/7? All others are... only available during business hours? AND they require a RIN? Double-mother-fuck!!!

Let me explain to you dolts the purpose of having a SELF-SERVICE terminal. It is so I don't have to deal with you "I'd rather be sitting in my trailer with my feet up, chain-smoking cigarettes, yelling at my 12 kids under the age of 12 and 17 dogs, with a car up on blocks outside" S.O.B.s. And I want to do it when none of you are even there. SELF-SERVICE is, by it's nature, supposed to be 24/7, for the convenience of those who ACTUALLY WORK between 8am and 5pm.

But you would know nothing of convenience, or manners, or a helpful attitude, so who am I kidding.

This means that since my registration expires TODAY, I am fucked, because I'm a responsible green citizen who took the shuttle to work, so I can't get back to the city on another shuttle until 4:45.

And better yet, it means that I GET TO PAY YOU TO FUCK ME. Isn't that just peachy. "Here is an additional 10% of the outrageous fee you were going to charge me. What's that? Oh, 'Bend over...', of course. OK."

NOTE: This post is brought to you by the official "stuff that bugs me" club.

btw: this is how i dress now

I'd love to hear your feedback about a recent article in Marie Claire about women and fashion at Google...

The article: Women at Google

The photos: Fashion for Work at the Google HQ (requires Flash 9 to see photos, even though it doesn't tell you, it just blanks out.)

What do you make of this?

Some of the photos didn't go to press, including one that included *gasp* actual Googlers, in a glass conference room and no laptops, with the female "Googler" in that bright yellow jacket/short-short-shorts combo and hooker heels, pressed against the glass. (Nice, right? That's how I spend all my meetings.)

So - in case you were under the common misconception that we wear jeans and t-shirts around here, guess again! After a while you get used to the $4000 ensembles with F-me pumps and micro-mini lamé dresses. Riding a bike in one of those is a bitch though!

matt buchanan is a thief

stop, thief!, originally uploaded by ashleyv.

While imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, outright theft of copyrighted images just pisses me off. That's a photo taken BY ME at the Lucky Oliver party earlier this year. (See the All Rights Reserved photograph proverbial ball and chain). And it's being used without my permission, and with no attribution, in a post by Matt Buchanan on Gizmodo. It has been downloaded to their asset server and is being served up as if it was taken by Matt or is stock photography owned by Gizmodo. Which it sure as hell is not. I believe that is copyright infringement. Law friends, help me out here...

How do you think I should handle this, dear readers? I could email him at matt@gizmodo.com, I could contact Gizmodo, I suppose I could even contact Gawker Media. But right now I'm a little hot under the collar, so I'd appreciate any sensible, cool-headed advice you can give.

UPDATE: See the tiny orange link at the end of the post that says "Flickr"? That links to the photo in my photostream, and I guess they consider that adequate attibution? I don't. If you use my photos, the page should explicitly give me photo credit. They are definitely going to hear from me.

my new cast (aka "nice toes" by your friendly neighborhood toe fetishist

my new cast (aka "nice toes" by your friendly neighborhood toe fetishist), originally uploaded by ashleyv.

This photo has been getting an outrageously high number of views (255 views as of 06/22/07), and now I know why. Sigh. Sometimes, interwebs, I just don't get you. Or I do, and you freak me out a little.

laughing so hard i'm crying

It's the oldest story in the book. Cop steals marijuana evidence, bakes brownies with it, and calls 911. Hilarity ensues. View the news story. Here's the transcript:

Cop: I think I'm having an overdose and so's my wife.
911: Overdose of what?
Cop: Marijuana. I don't know if they had something in it. Can you please send rescue?
911: Do you guys have a fever or anything?
Cop: No! I'm just... I think we're dying.
911: How much did you guys have?
Cop: I, I don't know, we made brownies. And I think we're dead. Time is going by really really really really slow.

Hello, new tagline.

effing turbotax

As you may have read from JR's post, we had a little trouble filing our taxes last night. California state taxes were harder than I had expected, and then, when we finished and e-filed, we kept getting a "Transmission Failed" message because they were unprepared for the tax day crunch on their servers. (Wah!) An Intuit spokesperson* actually said, "Don't wait until the last minute is the moral of the story." To which I respond, "Fuck you!" and kick him repeatedly in the side of the head, all kung fu style. Oh wait, that was in my head. A company that responds to a crisis like this with a response like that can go suck it.

Anywho... Mine finally went through successfully way before JR's did. And I mean like 30 tries before. And it's a 20-step process every time you have to re-try. (I took a screen-capture of the "Transmission Successful" just to prove it. (Here's a UI clue for you morons: plan for failure. Provide a "Try again" button.)

Fast forward to this morning when JR IM's me to tell me he checked his status and it's "Pending", and remind me to go check mine. I do, and it says, "You haven't completed e-filing. File Electronically?" I nearly had a heart attack. I have NEVER been late with my taxes. Ever. I've filed an extension, but I've never missed the deadline. I check my e-mail again - the charge for using their software went through, and I thought that was my confirmation e-mail about e-filing.

Uttering curses which should never fall upon human ears, I go through the 20 steps again, hit the last button, and the page reloads with "Updating..." (Anyone who tried to file last night will know the page I'm talking about. It's the page where you wait breathlessly, like on Antiques Roadshow, for the moment when you find out if what you have is treasure beyond your wildest dreams or a hunk of junk.)

Updating...
Updating...
Updating...
Updating...
Updating...
Updating...
Transmission Successful. (In the words of Homer Simpson, THANK YOU JEBUS!)

You can bet I also snagged that screenshot in case this comes up with the IRS. Luckily, this time they weren't LYING, and my status is now Pending. The moral of my story is "Burn me once, shame on ... don't even burn me once you sons of bitches. You just lost my business."

* Harry Pforzheimer, a company spokesman for Intuit, and someone I would like to slap in the face with my 21 page tax return.

things even i know

Tonight we met some friends at the Saucer for a few beers, and we met someone that started working with them recently (at that company). This woman was drinking red wine. At some point during the conversation, after she was on her second glass (and who knows how many she had before we got there), she mentioned that SHE'S 4 MONTHS PREGNANT, so she shouldn't SMOKE. I'm pretty sure you aren't supposed to DRINK either. Every time she ordered another glass, someone who joined us asked if that was okay for someone who's pregnant, and she'd respond, "Sure it is." She finished 3 glasses of red wine, moved next to the guy that was smoking so she could at least get some secondhand smoke, and finally got up to leave. Someone was complaining that she was leaving early, and here's the best quote I've ever heard from a pregnant woman:

"If I have another one, I'll really be drunk."

Ah...Texas.

Wait til you see photos from our trip to Bass Pro Shop Outdoor World. Yeehaw!

wow - interim post

A lot has happened - I have photos from the ski trip to Ruidoso (FUN!), the Flickr 333 Birthday Party (TOO COOL!!!), and an account of the weirdest, most bizarro Sunday night of my life.

But I don't have time right now - I have to pick out which sessions I'm attending at SXSWinteractive, and I just sent out an evite to a Happy Hour on March 14th at the Saucer.

If you didn't get an invite, shoot me a line, and I'll add you to the invite list. I did it in a real hurry, so I might've missed ya.

not from the onion: bush quote

"There is distrust in Washington. I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town," Bush said. "And I'm sorry it's the case, and I'll work hard to try to elevate it."
--Pres. George W. Bush, 2007

I kid you not: read the article in the Guardian.

Then the president conceded: "I'm not that good at pronouncing words anyway."

The leader of the free world, folks! A veritable anti-genius.

an extra optical inch

I never click on ads. Ever. But tonight I saw one that so intrigued me that I had to click it. It said "Now you can shave everywhere with the Philips Bodygroom" and the only image in the ad was a razor next to two shiny ornaments. I get the joke, I have to click.

It takes me to shaveeverywhere.com; and OHMIGOD, I laughed for fifteen minutes straight. I strongly encourage checking it out. Especially the features "Music Video" and "optical inch."

My favorite line?

"My love life was slow like an antiquated dial-up modem
and now it's gone broadband with my silky shaven *bleep*"

Way to go, Norelco!

wronger than wrong!

O.J. Simpson has written a book detailing how he would have killed his wife and Ron Goldman if he were the person that did it.

Are you fucking kidding me???

Or, in the gentler words of kottke: "My mind, it is BOGGLED."

There's just nothing like thumbing your nose at the law, eh? That's the problem with such entitled, enormous egos - nobody knows what a genius you are if you get away with it... "I didn't do it. But if I had, here's my whole pre-meditated, genius plan that I've just come up with. Just now."