the onion: financial advice

Financial Planner Advises Shorter Life Span

"After looking at his investments, I calculated that he really shouldn't live a day over 62—or 59 if he wants a funeral."

turbotax update: refund!

I said "I demand a refund!" and they said, "Okay." (I can be a mean mo-fo, so don't nevah cross me.) Actually, they sent this to everyone. Except JR.

Dear TurboTax Customer,

Your refund for the TurboTax products or services you purchased between the hours of approximately 3 p.m. PT on Tuesday, April 17 and 4 a.m. PT on the morning of Wednesday, April 18 will be completed by end of day Thursday, April 26.

You will see this on your credit card statement. The credit will appear on your statement as: "Intuit*TurboTax 800 446-8848" and may appear on two separate lines.

We are sorry for any inconvenience we have caused you. We value your business and look forward to serving you again in the future.

Sincerely,
Bob Meighan
Vice President, TurboTax Customer Advocacy
Intuit, Inc.

effing turbotax

As you may have read from JR's post, we had a little trouble filing our taxes last night. California state taxes were harder than I had expected, and then, when we finished and e-filed, we kept getting a "Transmission Failed" message because they were unprepared for the tax day crunch on their servers. (Wah!) An Intuit spokesperson* actually said, "Don't wait until the last minute is the moral of the story." To which I respond, "Fuck you!" and kick him repeatedly in the side of the head, all kung fu style. Oh wait, that was in my head. A company that responds to a crisis like this with a response like that can go suck it.

Anywho... Mine finally went through successfully way before JR's did. And I mean like 30 tries before. And it's a 20-step process every time you have to re-try. (I took a screen-capture of the "Transmission Successful" just to prove it. (Here's a UI clue for you morons: plan for failure. Provide a "Try again" button.)

Fast forward to this morning when JR IM's me to tell me he checked his status and it's "Pending", and remind me to go check mine. I do, and it says, "You haven't completed e-filing. File Electronically?" I nearly had a heart attack. I have NEVER been late with my taxes. Ever. I've filed an extension, but I've never missed the deadline. I check my e-mail again - the charge for using their software went through, and I thought that was my confirmation e-mail about e-filing.

Uttering curses which should never fall upon human ears, I go through the 20 steps again, hit the last button, and the page reloads with "Updating..." (Anyone who tried to file last night will know the page I'm talking about. It's the page where you wait breathlessly, like on Antiques Roadshow, for the moment when you find out if what you have is treasure beyond your wildest dreams or a hunk of junk.)

Updating...
Updating...
Updating...
Updating...
Updating...
Updating...
Transmission Successful. (In the words of Homer Simpson, THANK YOU JEBUS!)

You can bet I also snagged that screenshot in case this comes up with the IRS. Luckily, this time they weren't LYING, and my status is now Pending. The moral of my story is "Burn me once, shame on ... don't even burn me once you sons of bitches. You just lost my business."

* Harry Pforzheimer, a company spokesman for Intuit, and someone I would like to slap in the face with my 21 page tax return.

payoff rethink

I double-checked to be sure it actually was paid off, and it really was. And despite the fact that this is the longest I've ever owned a car (4 years), and how much the desire for something new is burning inside me, I might not get a car.

The smarter thing to do would be to pay off the large (for me) amount of credit card debt that I amassed from medical bills and all the stuff that comes with moving to a new place. Just this week I had to pay $1050 for recent care, after insurance. And don't even mention the amount I spend on prescriptions!

I can't stand to know that out of the two payments a month I'm spending on paying off that credit card, 1/4 goes to finance charges. It eats through my brain. So I might just sell the car and pay off the card. Or not. I'm also really bad at decision-making, in case you hadn't noticed.

i paid my car off! na-na-na-na-nah!

Since I'm really terrible at keeping up with paperwork and all, I've set up everything I can as auto-pay. In my twisted mind, this also frees me up from having to look at mail. (Stupid, I know.) But since it's tax week and I haven't done my taxes yet, and I'm feeling very guilty and anxious and heavily burdened, I opened the letter from my auto loan company. And it turns out that at the end of March, I paid off my car!

Yippee-ki-yay, MF!

So I'll be basking in the luxury of one less monthly payment, until I get around to getting a California drivers license and registering my car here (Texas registration ran out months ago). And then I can sell it.

And I'll probably go get a SF-appropriate Cooper Mini! :D