btw - lee, don't read the previous post

it involves breasts, namely, mine. i hope i got to you in time.
sincerely,
-ashley

handyman don'ts

Here is a rundown of the types of things I heard coming from our home office today, where the landlord's son was replacing a 100-year old window.

• Oh shit!
• Shit man!
• Awww, that really hurt! Shit!
• Ohhh man... shit... shit.
• Shit... I forgot my gloves.
• Shit... Hey, Oscar - can you go down to the truck and get the [insert basic tool name here]. I forgot it.
• Man, Oscar. Who woulda thought a window would take all day?
• What the...? Shit! I measured this exactly! 76... Why won't it fit? Shit. Hey Oscar! Can you trim like a quarter of an inch off this? And these too. I know I measured it right...
• Shiiiiiiiiit. *Sigh*
  

I can't reiterate this enough: If you are a handyman, these are statements you don't want to make where they can be overheard by customers. I found it funny, but some people might not.

On the bright side, they also repainted the really steep, slick stairs out front. We asked if they could paint them with that grainy paint, and he looked doubtful, but said he would look into it. Luckily, his paint guy "just got in this new paint with grit or something in it that makes it no-slip." Wow. How can you be a handyman and not know about no-slip paint? (Then again, he seems to be a handyman without ever actually having tools either. At least this time all he needed to borrow was our ladder.)

Don't get me wrong - this guy is really nice. I'm not putting him down or anything. He's super nice. I'm just amazed that somehow he gets by on sheer luck. Example: none of his keys are labeled. So he had to try each one of them to find out if he had the key to our house. Luckily I was here when they arrived!

long live bad news hughes

This makes me very sad. I love Bad News Hughes. He's hilarious and human - with faults and ailments and genius. And he bares it all. He is SUCH a good writer. I bought his book, even after reading all of his posts. I'm sad to see him go.

If you're in the mood for a great, funny read (I'm talking laughing so hard you're crying funny), buy his book, Diary of Indignities. You'll thank me.

And I thank Patrick Hughes.

growing up veselka

Veselka is a tough last name for a kid. It's Czech, which makes it hard to pronounce and hard to spell - no one ever gets it right. To make matters worse, I grew up in Salt Lake City, Utah, where 95% of the (Mormon) population has surnames like Smith, Adams, Jones, Michaels... you get the picture. Plus, you always end up last at everything; end of the line, back of the class.

So, being the me that I am, all I dreamed of as a little girl was marrying up the alphabet. It was on my little checklist of things I wanted in a crush: cute, pink cheeks, blue eyes, and the closer the last name was to the start of the alphabet, the better. "That new kid is cute! What's his name? Whatshisface Adams, you say? Catch me, I'm going to swoon!"

These days, I like my last name. I get to go by "V". There's a cool deli in NYC called Veselka. It's Ukrainian, not Czech, but... they have these amazing, elegant dinner plates that say Veselka on them in a gorgeous font. My cousin Katie got me a set of them, and they are among my most treasured possessions. Thanks again, Katie!

infinite loop of Sears

We bought some fabulous new appliances, and Sears called and left a message last night asking me to call back for important information regarding the delivery.

Today I call the number, give all my info, and the girl says they'll call me on Friday night with information on when they'll be delivering it.

Um.

"The message said I needed to call this number to set it up."
"Yeah, we'll call you Friday to set it up."

"Noooo - it said to call you to set it up."
"Yeah. We'll call you Friday to set it up."

"What I'm saying is that you called me and told me to call this number to set it up."

...long pause...

"Ohhhhh... Well, we don't get any of that info until Friday night, so we don't know this early when we could set it up.
So... we'll call you Friday to set it up."

After I hang up, I'm wondering if human brains are actually getting smaller, less functional. Then I just have to keep telling myself... there's a reason she answers the phones at Sears... and now I know what it is.

the onion is high-larious!

Stoners Announce Plans To Get Stoned For That

WILMETTE, IL—In an impromptu press conference held Monday afternoon in the parking lot of a local GameStop, a coalition of four area stoners...

it's funny because it's true...

A co-worker's chat status message today:

Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for the night. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Ah ha ha... That's good stuff. The highlight of my day.*

* Besides Jeff being alive and all, you know.

bret, you got it goin' on!

OK. It is official. I have a favorite new show, and it is Flight of the Conchords on HBO. I think I have watched the "Bowie" episode no less than six seven times. No joke. And the number of times I've watched this little gem from that episode would boggle your mind.



You really have to find a way to watch the "Bowie" episode. Because it contains the 3 things that are guaranteed to win a lifelong cult following, at least from me:

1. "1986 David Bowie from the movie 'Labyrinth' ",
2. A song called "Bowie's in Space", which actually says: "Hey Bowie - do you have one really funky sequined spacesuit, or do you have several ch-changes?" and the phrase "groovitational, groovitational pull."
3. Kiwis who respond to questions with "Yeah. No."

So I guess you should also watch the music video for "Bowie's in Space":

whatcha gonna do with all that junk?

OMG this is funny. Alanis Morissette's cover of "My Humps"

I've always loved her voice.

"i work at an internet company"

I'm losing track of all the funnies from a friend of mine about working at a company that has made it it's mission to be an "internet company"...

• I can't read Twitter because I work at an Internet Company.
• I can't see Flickr because I work at an Internet Company.
• I can't use Campfire because I work at an Internet Company.
• I can't see YouTube because I work at an Internet Company.
• I can't use Gtalk because I work at an Internet Company.
• I can't see Vimeo because I work at an Internet Company.

What's next? "I can't access the internet because I work at an Internet Company."???

This just begs for a "redneck" kind of joke:

"You know you don't work at an internet company if..."

not the preferred face of the iPhone

Via Nick Denton at Valleywag:

• The preferred face of the iPhone buyer


• NOT the preferred face of the iPhone buyer
  (but that's the face that'll stick with ya.)

That just cracks me up.

maybe my fave twitter ever

Jeff Veen:

Cabbie tells me spilled coffee gets trapped in seats, causing spores. He asks me if I mind all the spores. I lie.

da da DAH!!!!!

UPDATE: I literally can not stop watching this. And I can't stop laughing every single time.

laughing so hard i'm crying

It's the oldest story in the book. Cop steals marijuana evidence, bakes brownies with it, and calls 911. Hilarity ensues. View the news story. Here's the transcript:

Cop: I think I'm having an overdose and so's my wife.
911: Overdose of what?
Cop: Marijuana. I don't know if they had something in it. Can you please send rescue?
911: Do you guys have a fever or anything?
Cop: No! I'm just... I think we're dying.
911: How much did you guys have?
Cop: I, I don't know, we made brownies. And I think we're dead. Time is going by really really really really slow.

Hello, new tagline.

recent spam subjects

Subjects from today's Spam Inbox:

"Amblein hlelps lyou withl sleelping"
"Almbyen slleep hlelp"
"Ambeyen helps lyou withl sleelping"
"Ambein hellps you slleep"
"Amblein no prlescript needded"
"Ambleyen bestsleller"

Other hot topics:

• Penis enlargement!
• Lowest rates!
• Swap partners!/Get dates!
• Viagra!/Valium!/Cialis!
• Home Equity approval!
• Bad Credit no problem!
• Classic replica watches! (including "delightsome Cartier watches")
  
• I found your email, do not ignore me please!

I also got 7 emails with variations on this theme:
Dear Sirs, You are approved!
(Youl/Youll)
(lare/arlel)
(apprloveld/lapprovled/lapprolved/lapproved/aplproved/approvled)

I have a perfect solution for finding and stopping these insidious parasites. All we need to do is look for keyboards with the L key rubbed off.

Aside: "delightsome" is my new favorite word.

the difference is why you drink

Being barely functional for almost 2 weeks now, I'm doing a lot of catching up. But I had to take a break to give you this:

Le Grand Content

"This is your intended career path. This is your actual career path. The difference is why you drink."